Who would you choose?
by ryans daughter
Summary: This is my take on how Danny feels about his family after the Silver Star episode.  This has been resubmitted, hope the lines have gone, sorry!  Please review as your comments help me when thinking about doing new stories.


Disclaimer I own nothing from Bluebloods & no money was made from this story.

SUMMARY: This is what I think happened after the Silver Star episode.

TITLE:

Who would you choose?

As the family enjoy another Sunday Lunch at Franks house, Nicky asked her Uncle Danny what he meant when he said during his talk with her for her school paper, how if he didn't sleep he didn't have to see his nightmares.

At this point Linda put down her glass and places an arm over her husbands as they feel the eyes of the whole family fall upon Danny.

Linda had been aware how her husband had not slept since taking the case of the murdered ex marine, She had lay in bed alone each night listening to her husband pace the floor of the lounge below and when she did pluck up the courage to go downstairs to ask if he was ok, Danny had made the excuse he had come down to get a glass of water but as she felt her husband disappearing into a black hole of despair, she was forced to watch him shut her out and she had to look on helpless as his soul was destroyed.

"Honey your Uncle Danny has a lot on his mind at the moment, maybe now isn't the right time to finish your school project" Linda said gently to Nicky, hoping to avoid another Reagan showdown with Danny and Erin, who had been on Danny's case ever since the trouble over the IA Investigation over the missing child.

Erin knew Linda was trying to avoid any confrontation in front of the boys, who by this time had got onto the fact the whole family had focused their attention on their Daddy who was spinning a fork over in his hand that was slightly trembling, which made Jack and Sean feel a little scared.

Nicky never one to drop an issue returned to Linda and said " I just don't think its fair the way Mom is always so hard on Uncle Danny when he was only trying to save that little girl and why does everyone always blame Uncle Danny for being too ….."

Before Nicky could finish what she was about to say Danny slammed the fork on the table and looked at Frank who was sitting at the head of the table just waiting for exactly this to happen. He knew Danny was going to explode at some point and was in some way glad it was here with him that it happened so he could at least make sure this son didn't end up cracking someone else's head down a toilet.

Danny stood up shaking and said " Shall I tell you what I meant by carrying nightmares with me.

Every day I deal with Scumbags, Crack Heads and Perverts chasing them around this city wet nursing them while your mom tells me we can't lock them up or touch them as it's a violation of their human rights.

Then each night I come home and when I see my boys I know that some guy somewhere is never going to see his boy again cause that Crack Head I had to let go has just murdered that guys kid while he was high on his latest fix."

"Then I come here and listen to your mom ride my ass about how I don't do things by the book and see in your Grandpa's eyes he agrees with Erin. I see the look in your Aunt Linda's face, sometime the one that wishes I could or would be different, maybe more like Joe or Jamie, that I didn't take as many risks, wasn't so headstrong. Then sometimes I look around this table and I wonder if you don't all think maybe the wrong brother died, it should have been me cause I know I think it.

"Joe was everything I'm not, he was smart, he was good and hell I know you wouldn't miss me like I miss him."

Danny threw his napkin which he had been twisting around in his fingers to the table and pushed his chair back causing it to fall as he fled the room and out into the garden.

Linda in tears and shaking with emotion, jumps to her feet to follow her husband but Frank catches her arm and gestured to the boys who were huddled together on Jacks chair silent tears falling down their pale faces. "See to them Linda, leave Danny to me" Frank says, as his big imposing frame stands up and heads into the garden.

Erin looks at Nicky who to was crying and gives her a hug. "Its not your fault sweetie, Uncle Danny is just upset by his latest case he is just tired, he didn't mean what he said"

"Does dad think we don't love him?" Sean asks through a small whimpering cry. Linda sits her boys on either knee and hugs them to her. " Your daddy is just sad at the moment, he feels alone and a bit scared," her voice drawing Erin to her and Erin knows that Linda is aiming her words at her and that she holds her responsible for Danny's outburst. Linda continues to rock back and forth with the boys on her knee and assures them that Danny will be fine and when he comes back in and they give him a big hug he will feel a lot better.

Away from the dinning room Frank walks to the bottom of the garden where he finds Danny sitting on a small wall. Frank puts his strong arm on Danny shoulder and feels his son shaking.

Danny runs a hand over his face to wipe away the tears he has allowed to fall in the darkness and try's to stop his body from shaking.

Frank sits beside Danny on the wall and puffs on his cigar " You know when you became a father Danny. you got to understand firsthand the love, the unconditional love, you have for your kids, for all your kids, no matter how many you have, no matter what they do, you love them all the same. But your firstborn always has that little bond that stays forever. That first sight of your first born child, when you know you would move heaven and earth to protect them. That feeling when you hold them in your arms for the first time. Damn it Danny, how could you ever think I'd trade one kid for another."

Franks voice shakes with emotion as Danny looks at his father with eyes that beg to be told he will be ok.

Danny sighs and try's to speak above the lump in his throat. " I just…" he gulps the night air try and find his voice and again try's to put his emotions into words. " I just feel like sometimes Joe would have handled things so much better than me. He never took a chance, he played it by the book and yet he gets shot and I…." He pauses and wipes the tears from his face before trying to continue. "Well I'm still here, Iraq, IA Investigations and I'm still here"

Frank takes another puff of his cigar and tells his son he thanks God everyday that Danny is still here.

Linda by this time was standing underneath the large oak tree that her and Danny had stood under all those years ago. She remembers their first kiss when they sneaked out from a family party Danny had brought her to in there last year of high school. She smiles to herself as she remembers Danny before the toil of the city and Iraq had shaped the husband she now had and remembers the Danny Reagan she had fallen in love with all those years ago underneath that tree.

But she loved him now even more than then. They had history now and had built up a trust in each other. That's why she was so sad he couldn't come to her above anyone and tell her what he was going through. But she knew Danny Reagan too well to think he would ever let his feelings show to her, he loved her too much and thought he had to protect her from even his darkest fears.

She coughs to make her presence known to Frank and nods to him to let her have a minute alone with her husband.

Frank stands to walk into the house and holds Linda's shoulder as he passes her by.

Stepping over the wall she sits beside Danny and shuffles as far up to him as she can get.

Not making eye contact with her, Danny mumbles. "Guess you have come out here to chew my ass, haven't you?". She links her arm through his and says without looking at him, "Danny Reagan, you know I love you and at this moment that is all you need to know." Emotion breaks her sentence and she pushes her head into Danny's arm so he can't see her tears but he feels them soak his shirt making him look down at her face.

He lifts her chin so they are looking directly at each other and he whispers to he,r his voice breaking. "Linda I didn't mean I wish I was dead. God, if I didn't have you and the boys, I don't know what I would have become when I came home from Iraq. I could have ended up dead in an alleyway like Michael Oates."

Linda lifts her head and wipes her face. "You know I promised your mom before she passed away, I would always make sure you were ok. I guess she won't be very impressed with me at the moment will she. But Danny, you have got to let me in. You shut me out and think that you are protecting me but your not. If I lose you, me and the boys, we are nothing and that's what you don't get, if you hurt, we do. You go, we go, isn't that what we always say?"

Danny forces a small laugh that catches in the back of his throat. "I feel like a jerk walking out on the kids like that, are they ok? Bet they think their old man had lost the plot don't they?" Linda shakes her head and insists the boys don't think their Daddy is crazy, " They just want you to come inside from the cold and give them a hug, you know, the one only a dad can give that makes everything ok"

Danny stands up and takes a deep breath, trying to prepare himself to face his boys and the rest of the family. Linda sensing his fear, takes hold of his hand and holds it tight to let him know from now on, he isn't alone.

As they approach the patio doors, Jack spots Danny and jumps to his feet, running over and nearly knocking Danny over as he steps through the door, Sean a few paces behind him. Danny scoops the two boys up into his arms and kisses their heads "Hey you guys, daddy didn't mean what he said, I was just missing your Uncle Joe, but you two have made me feel much better so don't you worry about anything do you hear me, everything is just fine. You go back inside and finish your ice cream ok" The boys give their mom a hug and both go back to the dinner table.

Nicky looking sheepish, hesitates when Danny enters the kitchen where she and Erin are washing the dishes. Danny flicks her with soapy water and gives her a grin that she has missed seeing for a while.

"How we doing in here?" he says, pretending to spar with his niece who hugs her beloved uncle tightly. "Everyone ok in here?" Danny sat trying to avoid having a more serious conversation with his sister.

Erin puts down the tea towel and almost lunges at her brother as she hangs onto him as if for her life.

"I never meant to make you feel like you should have been the one to leave us Danny, if anything ever happened to you I don't know what I would do," her words almost hysterical, as she tries to make him realise just how much she depends on him.

Danny wipes his face which is wet from a mixture of his and his sisters tears and tells Erin he isn't going anywhere. "Who would you fight with at dinner if you didn't have me? " He tries to laugh and his heart feels lighter knowing how much his family love him. "You know I'd die for you in a heartbeat don't you sis?" Danny tells his sister, making sure she knew just how important the people in this house meant to him and how he needed them now more than ever.

As the family drift one by one into the dinning room, Frank looks around and feels he as the head of the family needs to say something after what had gone on earlier during Sunday Lunch.

He looks at Danny who still looks pale and vulnerable as he sits holding Linda's hand, watching his beloved boys playing cards with their Uncle Jamie and Great Grandpa Henry. He knows his son still has a long journey ahead and things he saw in Iraq will give him nightmares for a long time ahead just like he had faced when he returned from Vietnam and his father before him from Korea.

He stands up and tings his glass to get the attention of his family and after clearing his throat he says,

"Id like to propose a toast to those we love, who we can no longer be with us, that they stay close to us each day and keep us strong when we need them most and to those who we are blessed to still have near us, that we never forget how lucky we are to have our family, and never be shy in telling each other we do love and need each other"


End file.
